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I can’t see you anymore
I did not intend for this hiatus to go on for such a long time, although, full disclosure, I did know there was going to be a long pause between my posts after writing the last entry. I apologize to anyone that was waiting for something new to come earlier. I was caught up in aggressive changes that couldn’t be put off, and even still I’m being weighted down by responsibilities. The urgency has fluctuated within the past few days or so but, even at an all time high, I feel some confidence in straying from those duties to update this freelance blog.
So without further ado, I present to my loving audience the reality of my current circumstances. I know I have a school blog but I’m going to bring up school matters for a moment and just vent to you how this search for scholarships is not going very well. I’ve only just started and, while that’s enough to make me feel guilty about my procrastination, it’s become apparent that many of the choices before me are not exactly tailored to me in the best ways. There are plenty that require a step above the rung that I’ve grabbed a hold of and I find a great deal to be self-conscious about when I look at them all. I wish I was able to apply for some, some I feel like I could do very well in and might even have a chance in winning, yet there’s too high a price just to be accepted. I can’t go to college without money, obviously, but at the moment it feels like I’m running out of options.
On the less drab side of things I’ve been meaning to explode if I don’t share with you my sudden findings with somebody. I mean, I have shared this with a few people, just not in the way of specifics. I feel a little more confidence (and am far more impatient) in telling others about my discoveries, even though I know there’s a chance that I’ll be ridiculed or ostracized for it.
There’s a great stigma surrounding fanfiction as a whole and I completely understand where that comes from. I myself have been subdued by the countless terrible ramblings of young audience members with the subtlety of freight trains that aren’t ever particularly coherent or interesting over the years and now rarely search for entertainment within the dark crevices comprising fanfiction websites. There are some real writers out there however, some people that just make you giddy that there are those that write to share what’s inspired them and their creative thoughts and I have found a few in my lifetime that I cannot hold anything for except for my utmost praise.
One particular writer has had me on the edge of my seat for nearly the entire winter break and, although the feeling has gone a tiny bit stale from impatience, I still reserve the right to sit down when I get a break or am eating a meal to just reread some of her stories. I cannot believe that she doesn’t get published or paid for her abilities because, seriously, when you read what she writes and how flawlessly she executes her ideas, you just cannot help but follow by example. She the writes the kinds of stories wherein the words flow effortlessly and form clear images in your mind, the kinds of stories that do well with mood music so that that film that’s running inside of your mind can come full circle, the kinds of stories that make you think and then make you mirror the language and the thematic devices while you take a walk or sit down for lunch or even while you talk to a friend whom you cannot divulge certain information with.
Her stories are the kinds that make you realize just how theatrical you are. At least, that’s what they do in my case.
And really I’m proud that I’ve found them and that I get the privilege of reading them. You wouldn’t be surprised either when you get the privilege of hearing that the majority of her fanfics are centered on the Nolan Batman films either. I’ve mentioned this in my school-related blog that I’m an avid fan of Batman. The Dark Knight is responsible for… plenty, in my case. I have it to thank for my strengthening love for story-type mediums, my developing ability to pick apart, critique, and analyze anything from films to novels to magazines and so on and so forth, and my perspective lens on life as a whole. Why not explore the many facets of a film that I love and owe so much to?
(I’d link to these stories if I had the permission and the knowledge that the content involved in these stories was not going to offend or disturb anyone. Some of what comprises these lovely, lovely stories may not be suitable for everyone, i.e. there’s gore, child endangerment, cursing, sensitive ideology, philosophy, subject matter, and psychological aspects that will make you cringe that are involved in these stories. Yeah.)
Just Ridiculous
I’m a natural hypochondriac. I hate to admit it, especially when my mother (whom even when in the thorough of her lethal flaws I think of with soft-hearted fondness) indulges in telling me this when I act up with that smug countenance indigenous to the much loathed snake population.
For those of you that do not know that particular word or its meaning, have no fear. I shall elucidate and say with loving bluntness that a hypochondriac is a person suffering from a terrible case of dichotomy of the healthy brain that would only suffer a ‘normal’ being had they recently looked for symptoms of a non-specific illness on Web MD.
I worry about illnesses that I don’t have, that I have a limited chance of ever conceiving in my young life and shouldn’t be worrying about regardless of whether or not I can and will have. As a child I was afraid to touch the mere vessels containing dish soap and cleaning agents because I believed, wholeheartedly, that I would die if I breathed in residual particles from those agents that supposedly resided on my fingertips from touch alone. As you can see, it was a very distressing condition and, while I’ve been able to overcome it in certain circumstances as I’ve aged, I realize that it comes back with a vengeance whenever life starts to take my time and interest.
I wouldn’t be admitting this, let alone mentioning it at all, if my being a hypochondriac wasn’t relevant to today’s news. I’m suffering from a lack of knowledge given my recent lifestyle change, because I don’t know how much I should be eating and what exactly I can eat that would be easy for me to accomplish cooking-wise or receiving. I don’t know if my body is using up muscle tissue because I haven’t been eating enough calories, I don’t know if my heart is being overworked simply from walking up 3 flights of stairs, and I don’t know if my stress is making me gain weight right at this moment. All I know is that I shouldn’t be worrying about this because it’s an easy fix and I know that I don’t have an eating disorder and that all this shaking I’m doing is because I’m anxious, not sick.
I suppose I’ll have to contend with this and have faith that I’ll find a healthy balance at the end of the day. It’s nice to have a place to share these things with, and to be able to reassure even the slightly curious reader that I’m doing everything in my power to be healthy.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to eat a healthy snack and try to relax. Next post will revolve around internalization, so gear up!
It’s to be dropped unceremoniously into the minds of those too nice to tell me to continue my existence elsewhere
A personal blog for where I intend to vent as much as possible about my interests and self-made discoveries. I’ll be very straightforward however and say that the majority of what I’m going to be writing will pertain to my own interests, thus there will be no pleasing others when I say what I want to say.
I hold myself up to the standards that I find appropriate measures of my personal integrity and have no reservations about what I say if those standards are met. I don’t intend to offend anyone with tidbits on topics that I have no real clue about and if I do get into things like that I’ll at least walk into it as I would a restaurant invested by wealthy roaches, cautiously and with the knowledge that I have little to know awareness on this particular level.
Yeah, you read right. I threw up a phenomenal bunch of word vomit all for the sake of actually being able to say that I wrote an introduction that somewhat outlined what this blog includes as far as a conduct. It’s all schlock with no value. But you read it. That counts for something I suppose.
The posts will get more interesting as this goes along. I just really needed this particular post for a sense of formality.
H.A.N. 